Its just that the thing is...

I feel that I could wait. I feel like I could save my serious feelings for this person I don't know. Its just so...arranged. So coincidental. It makes me feel like things happen for a reason. It also makes me feel like the things that people think happen for a reason, don't. And that there is this GIANT string of coincidences that make me feel some huge purpose that doesn't even exist to this other person. So all of these things remind me of him. So some doppelganger comes into carroll st with his hair and hat. What is that to anyone else? And so I think to myself that I could save my real feelings for this stranger. But of course I could. I don't know a single thing about him. He is absolutely the most mysterious person I could encounter. Waiting for him keeps me safe from having to risk anything real with anyone real. But if I did, if I were to enter into some sort of relationship with someone, I think that I would probably absolutely disregard it for the chance to know him.

Buh.

I just don't know how I could ever get any of this to him.

you are easy, easy on me

we have gravitational pull. some un-interruptable momentum. we don't see each other because we think its right, or because its perfect, or even necessarily because we want to. but because, right now, we don't have a choice. there are passing moments together that are...light..enlightened...unprecedented, free from pressure, thought, fear, judgement, even presence maybe. we just exist together for just an instant before one of us thinks about it.

i try to decide what to do about it and just keep coming to the conclusion that right now, i dont have a choice. only gravity.

then i heard your heart beating, you were in the darkness too. so i stayed in the darkness with you.

its like you left for cigarettes and never came. or your body did, but you left me. its like someone painted you a different color and moved you two inches to the left. so that i stumble reaching for you. i guess more realistically I left for work, and when i came home there were new locks on the door. and someone slightly different came to answer my knock.
where the hell did you go?
i want to ask you this, what happened, but i know you would avoid. maybe you wouldn't even understand the question.
where did you go?

sometimes if you're poor enough, people let you in for free

there is absolutely no way for me to know exactly what i want right now.
i am stuck. i am suspended. my rationality, my sanity, my reality, these things are on hold right now. and its so stagnant. its frustrating. and so i keep making decisions, thinking that maybe something will help. something concrete. some change that will knock everything back on the right track. but thats not going to happen. not like that. and so i wait. and i wait. and then i realize the relief i am waiting for is not going to happen.
the brandan i knew died. he is dead. he will never exist in the same way again. how do i deal with that when his body is still alive, and calling me? with no words, calling me with upsetting moans and almost-words.
how can i try to do anything?
how can i do anything?
there is no change, no decision, no resolution, no art, no lifestyle change that is going to help the way i feel.
just waiting for something that will never be the same.
i am honestly, and completely stumped.

cuando se llamas?

cause you're not even real.

so... this is what i wish i could say at this moment.

sorry for any typos.. i've had a bit to drink.

so. i've already made an ass of myself. not on purpose, of course. but somehow, apart from myself, everything has changed. not that there was much to change, but...

anyway.

so...before i knew your music, before there was the creepy sleeping interruption, you intruiged me. fine. i saw you and i was intrigued. attracted. and then i saw you play with your band and it was awesome. fine. and then i saw you play by yourself. and for the first time in months, i truly, truly smiled. from deep, deep down. and so, i found that song online. and listened to it quite a bit. alot. ok. alot. and so at this one strange instance of something that had been 6 years in the making, with my computer completely off, your song started playing. yes that is creepy on all sides. and at the time i thought it would be funny if trevor told you. and that was then.
and now i know that you knew my smile and that you saw it. or me. and now i don't really want you to know, but tonight, he chose tonight, to tell you. and now you don't see my smile anymore and i think you think i'm a creep. but fine. thats fine. this is all i have to say. strange coincedences. strange consequences.
sucks.

today is not december 15th

and seven years later you still make me quite nervous.

cause you're rollin the ball and the seeds have been spread

i just smiled. really, truly, from the bottom of my fucking soul. for the first time in a couple weeks.

fuckin music, man.

i've no words, really. i should be asleep, really. but i had to wallow in this feeling as long as i could.

thank you, jake.