i just smiled. really, truly, from the bottom of my fucking soul. for the first time in a couple weeks.
fuckin music, man.
i've no words, really. i should be asleep, really. but i had to wallow in this feeling as long as i could.
thank you, jake.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Friday, October 17, 2008
pop your head in, waldo
they are filming a movie in the loft next to my office. or my lawyerbosslady's office. strange.
it is raining rain here. its so soothing. especially after all the freaking out i've been participating in lately. makes me want to take a bath and drink hot chocolate.
brandan woke up. he hasn't spoken. just stares ahead and looks scared. and holds his mom's hand. i need to see him soon. is it self-important of me to think i could help? he just has to be okay. and i have to tell him that. i need him to know how much i need him to be okay.
it is raining rain here. its so soothing. especially after all the freaking out i've been participating in lately. makes me want to take a bath and drink hot chocolate.
brandan woke up. he hasn't spoken. just stares ahead and looks scared. and holds his mom's hand. i need to see him soon. is it self-important of me to think i could help? he just has to be okay. and i have to tell him that. i need him to know how much i need him to be okay.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
she did brass rubbings, i hear
so this morning i took the morning after pill. although, technically it was the morning after the morning after pill. cause i took one yesterday, as well. its a strange feeling. they don't make you feel awful anymore, so its as if nothing is going on. its just that there, i think, exists such a stigma in society regarding this sort of thing. not that i have any moral problems with it, they just make it seem like such a big deal on tv. and i listen to everything tv tells me.
really though, i don't. but you grow up with it. and so i am walking around feeling as though i should feel weird about it. you know, all depressed and self-loathing, but i'm not. should i feel bad about that?
also, brandan is in a coma. a coma a coma a coma. this is not something i can fully think about because when i do i lose my mind. i don't know if anyone understands that he HAS TO BE OKAY. i can't...i just..uhhh i can't even put it into words. i can't go through another wade. i cannot have someone else i love die. i know its going to happen. not to him, necessarily, but its going to happen to someone i love. and then someone else, and they will get closer and closer to me, and harder and harder to bear. my own death i can handle. but brandan??? fuck...not him. he just changed his fucking life. he's always had this beautiful, wonderful soul, but it was trapped in the body of a heroin addict. now he's got his body, mind, and soul on the same page. and he was about to get out of the slammer. a month and a half. and he would have been living, really fucking living for the first time in like 10 years. but now he's in a coma. a coma. a coma. and he has to be okay.
so let me take a second to tie this all together.
i like change.
i love change.
but change has been changing lately and its really fucking me up.
gigi and i went to a house cleansing a few weeks ago and it was the fall equinox. we watched change change.
and i felt it. it washed over me. and i brought up moving to gigi. we talked about it all the time, but this time i meant it, for serious. shortly thereafter i got on that shit, and before we knew it, we were moving.
moving shifting change change change.
so now i am in a bedroom full of my shit. in crates and old postal service bins. books on the floor and bookshelves sitting empty.
and i quit one of my jobs.
oh, village pizza.
the favorite job. the dream job. the one that got bought and lost its personality. i had to let it go, it was bringing me down, man.
and my car started not working very well. as we were trying to move. and money got tight again. and then brandan.
so i'm overwhelmed alot. and depressed sometimes. and i tryed drinking excessively to quell the overwhelmed-ness, but it just allowed me to wallow more.
but...i don't really have a choice. so i'm wallowing. and trying to do so in a positive, healthy way.
oh and there's love. isn't there always?
so i've a boy in mount athens. my perfect love. we make each other better people.
and i've a girl here. she's terrifying, and stubborn, and its sometimes nice because i'm pretty passive, but she forces me to speak my mind, and i feel like she's rounded me out. but the problem is, is that he and i want to be monagamus, but he lives all the way over there, and its just not realistic. and its heart wrenching, because when he's here, its fantastic, but when he's gone i make myself forget him so that i don't miss him. and thats just problematic. there doesn't seem to be a happy medium.
and as for her, she's bad in relationships and so is trying out polyamory. but i feel like she and i are both so closed off emotionally that it prevents any real connections, other than just intense attraction. and i don't want to see her anymore, but i don't know how to tell her that.
and i think i'm falling for one of my best friends. i've known him since 10th grade, and never really gave him a chance, but he's all of a sudden in this different light. and its driving me crazy a little bit. a little lot. a lot bit. but i don't know if i should say anything. cause on the off chance that he feels the same way, i would either be adding another relationship to this crazy web, or i'd have to break it off with my athenian. and i don't know if i could stand to do either.
i hate this polyamory. i don't like liking more than one person at once. its too much.
so anyway.,
i am overwhelmed.
and i used to write alot in high school, when i was really upset, and it was a great feeling. at least until the great livejournal fiasco of 2002.
but i will try again. there are no more high school bullies.
so maybe i will write more later.
-me
really though, i don't. but you grow up with it. and so i am walking around feeling as though i should feel weird about it. you know, all depressed and self-loathing, but i'm not. should i feel bad about that?
also, brandan is in a coma. a coma a coma a coma. this is not something i can fully think about because when i do i lose my mind. i don't know if anyone understands that he HAS TO BE OKAY. i can't...i just..uhhh i can't even put it into words. i can't go through another wade. i cannot have someone else i love die. i know its going to happen. not to him, necessarily, but its going to happen to someone i love. and then someone else, and they will get closer and closer to me, and harder and harder to bear. my own death i can handle. but brandan??? fuck...not him. he just changed his fucking life. he's always had this beautiful, wonderful soul, but it was trapped in the body of a heroin addict. now he's got his body, mind, and soul on the same page. and he was about to get out of the slammer. a month and a half. and he would have been living, really fucking living for the first time in like 10 years. but now he's in a coma. a coma. a coma. and he has to be okay.
so let me take a second to tie this all together.
i like change.
i love change.
but change has been changing lately and its really fucking me up.
gigi and i went to a house cleansing a few weeks ago and it was the fall equinox. we watched change change.
and i felt it. it washed over me. and i brought up moving to gigi. we talked about it all the time, but this time i meant it, for serious. shortly thereafter i got on that shit, and before we knew it, we were moving.
moving shifting change change change.
so now i am in a bedroom full of my shit. in crates and old postal service bins. books on the floor and bookshelves sitting empty.
and i quit one of my jobs.
oh, village pizza.
the favorite job. the dream job. the one that got bought and lost its personality. i had to let it go, it was bringing me down, man.
and my car started not working very well. as we were trying to move. and money got tight again. and then brandan.
so i'm overwhelmed alot. and depressed sometimes. and i tryed drinking excessively to quell the overwhelmed-ness, but it just allowed me to wallow more.
but...i don't really have a choice. so i'm wallowing. and trying to do so in a positive, healthy way.
oh and there's love. isn't there always?
so i've a boy in mount athens. my perfect love. we make each other better people.
and i've a girl here. she's terrifying, and stubborn, and its sometimes nice because i'm pretty passive, but she forces me to speak my mind, and i feel like she's rounded me out. but the problem is, is that he and i want to be monagamus, but he lives all the way over there, and its just not realistic. and its heart wrenching, because when he's here, its fantastic, but when he's gone i make myself forget him so that i don't miss him. and thats just problematic. there doesn't seem to be a happy medium.
and as for her, she's bad in relationships and so is trying out polyamory. but i feel like she and i are both so closed off emotionally that it prevents any real connections, other than just intense attraction. and i don't want to see her anymore, but i don't know how to tell her that.
and i think i'm falling for one of my best friends. i've known him since 10th grade, and never really gave him a chance, but he's all of a sudden in this different light. and its driving me crazy a little bit. a little lot. a lot bit. but i don't know if i should say anything. cause on the off chance that he feels the same way, i would either be adding another relationship to this crazy web, or i'd have to break it off with my athenian. and i don't know if i could stand to do either.
i hate this polyamory. i don't like liking more than one person at once. its too much.
so anyway.,
i am overwhelmed.
and i used to write alot in high school, when i was really upset, and it was a great feeling. at least until the great livejournal fiasco of 2002.
but i will try again. there are no more high school bullies.
so maybe i will write more later.
-me
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